Joyce Helen Winkler - Online Memorial Website

I found an old diary I had from 1966 - 1968.  There are many entries where I talked about Joyce and what we were doing.  I don't remember this particular one but I thought it was funny and so Joyce like (I doubt it was my idea).  September 3, 1967 (Sunday) - "Joyce, Nancy & me went to Theunis Dey up on roof, cop came caught us up there.  Took our names, address & age."  Sound like Joyce?

I don't really talk about how I feel very much, but it has been really hard for me.  I think about her all the time. The wedding is going to be tough for me. The closer it gets, the more I feel it.  I know she would have really liked Bryan, and I know she would have wanted to see her kids get married and be happy. I like to think she will be there on some level.   

She was so proud of her house, and she lived pretty close to us.  She would frequently drop in on the weekends, Wawa tea in hand, just in time for breakfast with me and Tim. The summer before she died, we had rented this dump at the shore.  Joyce, Linda, Chris and the kids had all come down on the same day to visit. Even though the house wasn't very nice,  It was still a perfect day.  The weather was great, everyone was in a light, fun mood...... If you were at her funeral, you might remember the story Chris told about all of us playing on the beach.  The last time I saw my sister was at Riverwinds at a concert.  The 'Don't call me Francise' band was playing.  She introduced us to a group of her friends, and we all hung out for a while.  Joyce and I danced, but they weren't playing any real great songs.  Pretty soon it was time for us to go, but Joyce was busy talking with her new boyfiend, so we just left without saying good-bye.  The other week I went to Riverwinds with some friends of ours.  As soon as we walked outside I found myself looking toward the place all her friends had been sitting nearly two years ago.  Sure enough, there they were.  I had to talk myself out of going over to them and saying hi.  I knew it would take me to a place I didn't want to go.  "You're here with your friends", I told myself, "try to have a good time".  Isn't it weird, now I have to remind myself to have a good time.

You know what else I remember so clearly about Joyce, her laugh.  I can still hear it.  Man when she laughed it was just so much fun, so contagious.  I hope she's still laughing.  I'm pretty sure she is, cause sometimes I swear I hear her.

Joyce, my big sister.  We shared a bedroom together.  We would babysit together and boys would come over to visit.  When we went down the shore we would walk to the surfing beach to meet boys and we always did meet boys.  One of the things I remember so clearly is Joyce and I in the ocean and we would sing "mission accomplished" (???).  Maine was a big part of my memories with Joyce.  I tried to visit every year after she moved.  I remember flying to Portland and crying at the airport when I had to leave.  Then I would drive up, once I drove up with Grams after I got out of work and drove there in the dark.  I remember taking a trip up with Marilyn too.  Then I would go up with Fred to visit, by now it was Joyce, Brandon, Beth and Steve.  The reason I still go to Maine today is because of Joyce, she introduced us.  Joyce always had a great figure and took pride in it.  When I moved to Montvale I got to see Joyce more often it seemed.  She met Donnelly and would go to Vermont to see him.  On her way up and back she would stay overnight at my house.  I am so thankful now for those visits, they mean a lot to me.  Joyce spent her last Christmas Eve at my house and I am thankful for that too.  We had a great time.  We got to spend some good times together.  When she got mad about something and would be telling me about it she would always say "Okay" almost in a questioning way to say, see what I'm talking about.  I'm thankful for the sisters weekend we had in April 2003.  I'm thankful for all the family get togethers we had in 2005 and Joyce came to them.  She didn't always want to, she'd rather go to the beach or have some other kind of fun.  I wish I paid more attention to her photography, she really was a talented photographer but didn't get the attention she deserved.  I wish she knew how much she was loved, I don't know if she felt loved.  I wish I told her I loved her, I can't remember if I did or not.  Did anyone ever tell her she was beautiful?  The last day I saw her at my parents anniversary lunch she looked soooo good, fit, tan.  I remember the conversations that day.  Joyce, my big sister.

I thought of some more memories.. she used to make us artichokes when we were kids with bread crumbs on them and when we got to the middle we would marinate the heart in vinegar and oil.  She used to give us $5 a week for allowance and we would spend it on Saturdays at the Maine Mall or at Point Sebago on fried dough and ice cream.  In the fall we always carved pumpkins and went trick or treating on Halloween.  WE lived in Maine and the houses were so far apart she and steve would drive us to each house. 

My Mom was a firecracker.  She was the type of Mom that was fun to be around.  We hung out like bestfriends and we spent a lot of time together.  She always was finding something fun to do, whether it be a day at the beach, or a festival or going to visit a quaint town with an old railroad station.  She never let anyone stop her from having a good time.  My Mom wasn't perfect, but she was mine.  She always gave me compliments and was supportive of what I wanted to do with my life.  She taught me to be tough and to not let people push me around.  She was insecure and shy at times and other times full of piss and vinegar as Steve Gaston would say.  I was a support structure for my Mom, both Brandon and I were there through the good times and bad.  She often felt betrayed by people but we never let her down.  She loved us deeply even if she didn't always know how to tell us.  She would worry about us to friends and family but never say anything to us directly.  I'm not sure why.  My Mom was home to me, no matter where we were.  I always felt better around her even if I was in an awful grouchy mood.  When bad things happened I could run to her.  She was safety, she protected me from bullies and stood up for me even when I was an adult.  She was flighty at times, I think it started after she dyed her hair blonde.  She loved to dance and shake her booty, she was even a fan of Fifty Cent. Sometimes I would come over and find her dancing by herself in the living room.  lifting her 5 pound weights with attitude!    When we were young she would take our pictures all of the time.  We were her little models.  She loved photography and was very talented at it.    She was a sensitive person and her feelings would get hurt if we forgot holidays or birthdays.  I was never great at sending cards and giving gifts, but I think she knows how much I love her.  At least I hope she does.  The last few years of her life I was miserable to her.  I spent a lot of time with her but the time I was with her I was grouchy and irritable a lot.  I regret those times and I wish I had those moments back to show her how much she meant to me.  My Mom loved pepsi soda and potato chips.  She would eat them after work almost every night.  She'd shake the bag of chips and carefully choose out a good one.  She would do this every single time.  When she was really thirsty everytime she would take a sip of soda she would say "ahhhhhh".  She loved tea and iced tea too.  and chocolate!  I would always find chocolate stashed away somewhere.  When I was sick as a kid she would make me tea and toast with butter.  or elbows with butter and parm cheese.  I remember she took me to work with her one time when I was sick and this is what I ate for lunch.  I was so attached to my Mom I would fake being sick as a kid so I could stay at home with her.  I can still almost smell the scent of her skin.  It was a mixture of sure deodorant and jovan musk.  at least in the eighties it was.    every easter we painted eggs and made an ugly egg. one that was died as many times as humanly possible.  then she would hide them and our baskets in the house and we would have to go find them.  she would put cadbury eggs, white chocolate, brown chocolate, jelly beans, and chocolate eggs in our basket and Peeps too. She loved Peeps.  We ate Chicken and Pork chops a lot as a kid.  My Mom was sexy, she loved to look pretty and dress up.  Men were really important to her,even though she never found her true love.  She was always looking for someone to love her.  The older she got the more scared she was that she wouldnt' find anyone.  But she would say that she liked living alone. She didn't want to clean up after some man at this point in her life she told me.  Our birthday's were always a big deal.  I remember one year I had a sleep over party and I was so excited.  She gave me a doll I wanted that year and took me shopping at Kids R Us.  She loved to shop for just about anything.  she never spent much money though. She was always worried about money and not haaving enough of it.  I guess that's why I'm so thrifty - sometimes.  She would take us shopping at Bradlees after grocery shopping at ShopNSave.  Sometimes we would go to McDonald's afterwards.  We went to McDonald's everytime we drove from Maine to NJ.  That was the highlight of the trip.  She had the directions printed on a tiny card that we would use each time we drove to NJ.  we would pack up the car with snacks in a cooler and leave before it was light out.  She also loved to ski.  She taught me how to ski when I was in 3rd grade.  She was a ski instructor for a little while at Pleasant Mountain.  I remember feeling jealous of the kids she was instructing b/c I wanted her attention.  She came on an apple picking field trip with me when I was in 1st grade.  I remember being so excited she was coming.  When I was in 6th grade she came on a field trip to the Portland Headlight lighthouse.  She loved that lighthouse and took pictures of it all the time.  Before she died she told me the happiest years of her life were in Maine with us and Steve.  We did have a lot of fun.  The summer before she died we spent the 4th of July in PHilly.  We walked almost the entire length of the city that day and she was tired.  We went to an ice cream festival at Penns landing and ate a ton of ice cream.  Then we went to the concert in front of the art museum but we got sick of waiting for fireworks so we walked home to my apt and watched them from the window of my apt.  I remember being sad that day because I didn't have a boyfriend instead of being happy that I was hanging out with Mom.  I took her for granted almost every day of my life.  I cried like a baby when I moved away for college.  I felt so guilty leaving her behind.  I felt guilty a lot of times for how lonely she was.  I wished I could make her happy and not feel lonely.  Towards the end of her life it seemed to me that she didn't really have anyone that cared about her and that thought haunts me.  Overall she led a good life though.  It had its fair share of ups and downs.  She had a lot of fun in her life and I think she enjoyed it mostly except for the divorce.  She once told me that if she knew how much pain divorce caused in families she would've never done it.  She never got over that part of her life.   It was worst around the holidays.  They were so important to her and she hated having to share us with my Dad.  It was always a battle.  and then as we got older I wanted to spend time with my boyfriends family so that upset her too.  but in the end it's part of life, kids grow up.  I know she would be proud of how things are turning out for the most part.  I just hope and pray that she is looking down on me and knows how much I miss her and love her.