Joyce Helen Winkler - Online Memorial Website

Joyce,

This has been such a hard week for all of us.  I don't think you would ever imagine how much we all miss you and talk about you all the time.  We say stuff like Joyce would have said, "just get over it" or "what are you making such a big deaql over it for"?  "Joyce would be going to the beach today", on a bright sunny day.  I always remember you saying "let's have a nice relaxing cup of tea."

There are these purple flowers in my backyard and they bloom early in September and when they bloomed this year they reminded me of you.  Every school year since you died reminds me of when you left us so suddendly.  I always feel so sad on the first day of school because that was the day that we got the bad news.  I often think in my mind that you are away in Vermont and you will pop in one of these days.  Sometimes I will think boy I haven't seen Joyce in awhile.  The kids all miss you too.  Carrie,Allie and Andrew often mention how they miss seeing you.  You would stop in unexpectedly and the kids always loved seeing you.  I don't think you realized how much we all loved you. I don't think any of us realize how important we are to others. To quote Joni Mitchell "you don't know what you got till it's gone."  I really miss having you here.  I think when the purple flowers bloom it is your way of telling me that you are watching over us.  When I think back on your independence and courage to live alone I truly admire you.  I wish I had told you that. 

Beth's wedding is a week away.  I know you would be so proud of her and you would have liked Bryan.  He truly loves her and I know he will take good care of her.  It has been so hard for her to plan her wedding without you here.  We will all be there for her knowing that you will be smiling down on us.  I love you Joyce always have and always will.

LInda

Yup, this IS all there is.  This is it. This is not a drill, or a dress rehersal, or a practice.  This is IT.  This is our life, and we just have to go on living it.  We need to remember to smell every flower, feel every soft kitten, taste every sweet, see all the beautiful  mountains, hear all the music.........  This is IT.  Love those who are important to you with all your heart.  Life is a gift. It's a GIFT.  You are not entitled to be here, don't waste the time you have.  Do good, make a difference in someone elses life, have fun, love, feel, enjoy, because not everyone gets the opportunity.  Don't waste it. People, living, breathing people, are not distractions, they are real.  Pull yourself up and live life. Love life. This is IT.  This is not a drill, a test, a practice.......yup, this is all there is, and I'm trying not to waste a minute of it.

Hi Mom,

Well, it's labor day weekend again... it's been really hard for me.  I keep wondering when this is going to get easier b/c I know you wouldn't want me to be unhappy, but nothing seems to be working.  It's still so hard for me to believe you are gone.  Sometimes I accept it and other times I just can't.  I feel so sad that you are gone.  I feel so lost and confused and scared.  I hate that you aren't here anymore, it's just not fair.  Since you have died I have been very unhappy and fearful of dying.  I think about it all the time.  I just wish you could comfort me and let me know that you are ok.  That you are out there somewhere watching over me.  That after life is better than being here. Something, anything.  I was at a labor day picnic yesterday and I lost it.  I just burst out crying in front of a bunch of strangers.  I thought I was dealing w/ my grief but I haven't been.  I really avoided my feelings with distractions like Bryan and the wedding.  now that the wedding is almost here, and you're not, I dont know what to do. With all the pressure i'm under right now I wish you were here to listen to me.  I could always tell you anything and right now I feel like I can't talk to anyone because they don't understand what I'm going through.  I feel so alone in this process.  I'm supposed to be happy and I feel so incredibly sad and scared.  I have no where to run.  I have to be an adult and deal with this.  I just want to be a kid again.  Some days I feel completely fine, and other days I'm a mess.  There are so many people out there feeling what I'm feeling and yet nobody talks about it.  Like you just disappeared and nobody talks about it.  Not even my brother.  I know he's hurting and he won't even talk to me about it. I hope I can heal from this, I hope I can get better.  I know I can't feel like this my whole life.  The more I actively grieve the better I will feel, and Im hoping that these letters to you help me in some way.  Because ignoring and distracting doesnt seem to be working for me. 

I love you always.   

Hi Mom,

I haven't written in a few weeks because we were in the process of moving to NY.  We are all settled in now in our new home, it's not the biggest or best house but it will do for now.  I guess we need to have things to work towards right?  I think about the houses we lived in over the years.  I miss Maine and all the good memories we made there.  The other day I had to look for childhood pictures to send the videographer for the wedding.  It was not hard to find them! You took so many pictures of us and of course they all came out so pretty.  It was hard seeing the pictures of you and not having you here anymore.  I miss you so much.  It's still hard to believe you are gone.  I say that all the time.  Bryan started his new job and it's going well, but he's on the road a lot and this worries me.  Driving can be dangerous.  But I guess I can't be fearful of dying all the time.  I guess b/c you were taken from me so abrubtly I feel like I could drop dead at any moment.  I'm always worried about mylegs and my heart.  I know you wouldn't want me to worry.  What's the point of worrying my life away, I need to get over it.  The wedding is in 3 weeks!  I can hardly believe it.  I never would have expected two years ago when u were still here that in two years I'd be getting married.  I was the single party girl.  I'm fortunate for what I have found.  I hope you can watch down on us on Sept 15th.  You will be missed.  I wish I could feel a connection with you, where are you?  What happens after we die Mom?  I want to know.  Did it hurt when you died?  I hope not, but I thihnk about it all the time and wonder if you were scared or felt pain.  I hope it happened fast.  I hope you were asleep and you didn't even notice it.  Is that possible though? For life to end and not even feel anything? I can't imagine that is how it happens, but maybe it does.  I hope it does.  I'm so scared of dying.  I wonder what you would think of everything going on in my life.  You would probably be sad that I had to move to NY, that would've sucked leaving you.  I almost did a few times a couple years ago, but I didn't want to leave you behind.  I felt guilty.  I felt guilty a lot growing up.  I still feel guilty.  I know I shouldn't, I know that my thoughts are in my control, but somehow it doesn't change anything.  I wonder what you would've worn to my wedding.  You would've looked so pretty.  If you were here I would be so happy.  I will look for a sign from you that day.  Pleas send me a sign. 

Love Beth

Hi Mom,

There is a lot going on lately.  I'm getting married!  I'm sure you knew that though.  We are also moving and it's been really stressful.  I know you are looking over us though.  I know you would be proud of me like you always were.  The wedding is going to be hard without you here.  I can't believe I scheduled for a week after the anniversary of your death, I know it's going to make it really hard.  I guess I just wanted something to be happy about at that time instead of sad.  The wedding is going to be awesome, you would  have had so much fun.  I wish you had met Bryan before you died, but I know y ou would like him, even if you didn't like any of my other boyfriends. :)  You probably wouldn't call him "what's his name".  You would be happy for me, I know it.  I hope you are watching over us on that day and every day.  I hope you know how much I wish you were here with us to celebrate.  I want you to know that you are not forgotten and you will be remembered and honored on that day.  You are with us even if you are not here physically because you are always on my mind.  You are so special to me and I will always be thankful for all of the things you did for me.  Even if I didn't seem like it at the time.  When I was stressed out I could always go to your house.  Remember the weekend before you died, I came over crying at 5 in the morning and you were awake and listening to me go on and on.  I was such a mess and I had no where to go, but you were there.  I wish I had that now. 

I love you you crazy thing.  I hope Harley is with you.  I miss her too. 

Love always,

Beth