Joyce Helen Winkler - Online Memorial Website

Hi Mom,

I have been thinking about you a lot and the message that I got from you when I went to see the medium.  It's crazy looking back at what he said how accurate things are!  I hope you are watching over me and sending your angel powers to me now. I need them now more than ever.  My life is very stable and things are going well.  I just need some angel dust to make something happen that I'm waiting to find out about.  You know what it is :) I hope you are watching over me and sending me love.  I love you and miss you.  Please show me signs that you are near.  I drove by your house a few weeks ago, the one you died in.  It was a weird feeling and I really missed being there with you.  There is still an empty spot in my life where you are supposed to be, but I've learned to cope with it the best I can.  I still get angry and sometimes feel sorry for myself, but it never lasts as long as it used to.  I want you to know how much better I am doing.  Even though there are bad days, the good days are never far behind.  I pray for you to send me a sign or a message about the very important thing I am waiting to find out.  I will be looking and listening....  

Love Beth 

Hi Mom,

This week is always hard for me, in fact this whole month is usually a roller coaster of emotions.  I have flash backs of some of our last moments together but I can't remember the exact last time I saw you.  That bothers me.  I know I wrote you a letter because you were upset about something.  I had been shopping for cowboy boots because I was always wearing yours.  I came back to your house afterwards but you weren't there for some reason, I think you were with guy you were dating.  I think I took a nap on the couch and then left after awhile and headed back to the city.  That was on Saturday of Labor Day weekend.  The rest of the weekend I oddly spent in bed. I was still getting over a break up and I remember sleeping so much that weekend, maybe it was God's way of preparing me for the lack of sleep I would have over the next several weeks.  I'm sure I've wrote about it before but I will never forget the sheer horror I felt when I received that phone call from Brandon.  It was my worst nightmare coming true.  I remember waking my roommate at the time with screaming crying and confusion.  We sat at my kitchen table as I called my Dad and others to find out if this was actually true.  My mind ran through possibilities that this was somehow some huge mistake, why would they call Brandon and not me if something happened?  Brandon lives in CA, it didn't make sense.  My roommate drove me as I tried to remember how to get to Deptford from Philly a trip I had done 1000's of times but that night I honestly could not even process directions to get there.  I had no idea how to get to your town, a place I had almost spent more time in than my own apartment.  As we drove I scrolled through my phone wanting to call someone, wanting to tell someone who it might feel right to tell but I remember not feeling as though I had anyone I was able to call in the middle of the night.  We arrived at the station and they buzzed us in because it was the middle of the night.  We sat around a long table with my aunt linda, uncle Tim and Aunt Jackie (that's all I remember).  The police asked me questions about what I thought she might have died from.  I told them it was impossible you died from natural causes, you were too healthy.  I suggested they investigate some type of fowl play because I just could not wrap my mind how you could have died from something natural.  You rarely drank, you ate very healthy and you were an active person.  We requested an autopsy and would have to wait to find out the answer, it was all we could do.  The police told us they found you locked inside your bedroom, in bed.  There was no forced entry or any other signs of struggle so it was unlikely that anything terrible happened to you.  I couldn't believe this though because I spent so much time with you and thought you were healthy.  My roommate drove me over to my Aunt Linda's house and I remember sobbing inconsolably on her couch for what seemed like hours.  At some point Brandon, who had been in NYC for work coincidentally and my Dad arrived.  It was still dark out.  I'm guessing it was 3 or 4 in the morning.  I ran out the front door hysterically crying and embraced both of them. The rest of the morning I spent crying on my Aunt's front stoop as I called my friends to tell them what happened.  It was the worst night/day of my life.  I didn't sleep for several days.  My friends Nikki and Katie came to be with me and help me as I somehow started to handle the aftermath of your death.  There was a lot of legal stuff to do b/c you didn't have a will.  I remember feeling as though I didn't have the strength to do any of the things I was going to have to do.  Luckily my Aunts and others planned the funeral b/c I just couldn't do anything.  I remember not wanting to get off the phone in those next few days.  I was on the phone talking to someone all hours of the day and night.  At some point that week we moved into a hotel in Deptford and Nikki and Katie stayed with me.  Katie's Mom brought us food and Nikki called my Dr. to get me some xanax.  In the bathroom of that hotel room I said for the first time in my life that I didn't want to live anymore.  It was Sept 10th, 2005, the morning of your funeral.  The 2nd worst day of my life. The anguish and pain I felt that day is indescribable with words. I had decided to speak at your funeral.  As I wrote I tried to convey the type of mother you had been to me.  I'm sure I could've done better if I was not in so much pain.  During these days I started to remember some of our last conversations.  I remembered you telling me you had pain in your arm when you were taking laundry out of the dryer and I remember the last day I saw you, you told me you had fainted the night before after a glass of wine.  I told you it was probably nothing and we went about our conversation. I was wrong, as you stood in front of me,  telling me the story about how you fainted, you were about to die any moment from a massive pulmonary embolism.  2 days later, you were gone.  I remember a lot of people at your funeral.  Family and friends from NY and NJ came to pay their respects to you and your family.  Even my high school boyfriend came, which I remember feeling oddly comforting and familiar.  I started dating him two weeks after the death of his father from cancer.  Now we had something else in common.  One of your friends, Mel, gave me a poem that was special to him.  It was tattered and teared and he said it had been passed along to people who were grieving and now he wanted to give it to me.  I still have it, I haven't been able to give it to anyone else.  After your funeral life became more difficult because all of the people and support had subsided.  All of the activity quieted down and everyone went back to their normal lives.  Everyone but me.  My normal life was spent 2 - 3 days a week with you, at your house.  I wasn't particularly close with any other family members, so now I felt I had nothing.  Brandon went back to CA, my Dad went back to NY, my friends went back to their lives and my aunts went home to take care of their kids, but who and what did I have?  The loneliness and anxiety that entrenched me in these next few weeks I thought might actually kill me too. It was during these weeks that I became phobic about my own health.  I was certain the pain in my chest was a heart attack, but looking back the pain in my heart was for you.  I realized the phrase "broken hearted" is a real thing.

I went for a run in the pouring rain at 6 am. It was just me, the water in the river , the water on my skin and the water from the sky. I ran out two miles to the sculpture of "Playing Angels" - this spot has been special to me since my Mom passed away. Here's a picture http://vimeo.com/12399396


The first time I noticed Playing Angels was right after my Mom died. I was running on Kelly Drive to get some peace and I had radio headphones on. I switched channels for some reason and a gospel song came on that bellowed about overcoming grief. The combination of noticing the Angels for the first time in a place I had been so many times, and the song coming on simultaneously stopped me in my tracks in a way I will never forget. The sculpture struck me not only because of the timing, but because they were Angels - like my Mom is now, and because they were playful and Joyous. Since then the Angels and this spot have been special to me. It's a spiritual place for me where I honor my Mom.

This morning I ran to the Angel sculpture and I looked up at the angels like I always do - as an acknowledgement to God, My Mom and that time when I needed them most. For some reason today I stopped to read the informational plaque about the sculpture. What I learned blew my mind. It turns out there is another piece of artwork at this same site by the Angels, on top of the rocks that I never knew existed. It's cut into the riverbed walls and it's called "Sleeping Women". (My Mother died in her sleep) Here is a link to what the artwork is about and a video if you are interested.
http://www.peterrosepicture.com/movies.php?id=28

In the midst of having this surreal moment, in the rain - which I see as symbolic for tears - my ipod shuffles as I start my run home. Making the connection between these pieces of artwork, nature and the feeling I have about this particular place in the world, the song my ipod shuffles to is called "Riverside" by Agnes Obel... 

 

 

Hi Mom, I've decided that I am going to spread your ashes soon. It's more symbolic than anything b/c I know that it's not you anymore. It's taken me 4 years to spread them... I'm sorry but I just wasn't ready to. I am still not sure if I am, but it's the right thing to do. I think you would want to be in the Ocean. If not, send me a sign. Where would you like to be remembered? I miss you and still can't believe you're gone. I know I keep saying that but seriously!? WTF. Why aren't you here. My heart breaks for you. It'll be 4 years soon... wow. It feels like an eternity. I just want you to be here again so I can tell you I'm sorry. So I can have another chance at being a good daughter. So I can tell you to go TO THE HOSPITAL. I didn't know... I didn't know...I had a chance to save you.

Hi Mom, Sometimes, like right now, it hits me again that you are not here anymore. I feel connected to you and I feel that you are with me, watching over me. During my meditation I feel like I get messages from you that let me know you are here. I'm learning so much about myself and I'm realizing how much I am like you in many ways. I have your free spirit. I am going through a lot right now, I hope that you will help me navigate through these choppy waters. I wish I had you here to talk to. I wonder how life would be different if you were here. Last week my friends Mike and Megan had a baby and they had their family visiting to help them with the baby and it made me realize that if I ever do have children there will be nobody to help me. Maybe I won't have children, but it made me realize how much of a gap there is in my life. I hope that something good comes out of all of this stuff I am feeling. I love you now and forever. Love Beth

Hi Mom,

 

 I really hope that Lisa has a message from you.  I went almost the same exact day last year to see JE and you came through him.  I really hope you come through Lisa as well.  If not, I will understand but I have to at least ask in writing so I know you got the message.  and what better way then through the internet, you loved the internet didn't you!!!  Christmas time is always hard, heck, it's always hard...  but I hope that you are with all of us and smiling and bringing us happiness and JOY, just like your name.  JOY.  I was in Cape May a few weeks ago and it reminded me of you.  You took me there when I was a kid and we visited Rick at his sandwich shop. I think we had dinner at a seafood restaurant in wild wood and went on some rides.  I know I bought a journal in one of the little shops there.  This time I took a million pictures of the ocean for you.  I felt just like you with my camera out by the ocean.  It was cold and windy but I didn't want to leave.  I felt connected to you.  I was laid off from my job and I'm interviewing for a new one.  it's not as great as my last job but it will do.  Brandon is doing well, he's dating my friend Ali.  We are all going to Savannah for Christmas.  I'm sorry I missed so many Christmas's with you...  I heard the Hippopatumas song and I remembered how you sounded when you sang that song.   We have a little tree this year and I turn it on every morning just like you did when we were kids.  every morning I'd get up to go to school and you would have the tree lit.  I loved that.  Please be near me now and always.  Send me messages and signs.  I love you.

 

Love Beth

Hi Mom,

It's been a while since I wrote.  Things have been kinda crazy.  I got a new job in Radnor PA and I'll be the Director of Marketing. I'm really excited and I start tomorrow.  I know you would be proud of me.  We bought a beautiful new townhouse in Glen Mills.  It's new construction, just like your house was. I reemmber how excited you were about your house.  You loved it so much and especially since it was brand new.  You would always say " I've never lived in a new house before".  Our house is nice and spacious, over 2000 square feet and it has 3 bedrooms and 2.5 baths.  It has hardwood floors and granite counter tops.  It's just so beautiful and I can't wait to move in.  We found it on your Birthday, so I think you led us there.  It reminded me of the model homes you used to work in.  I had a dream about you last night.  We were just hanging out and doing things together. We lived together at the Golfview Dr. house.  we also were living at a shore house too or something.  You loved the shore, especially Stone Harbor. Bry told me yesterday he wants to go there this summer for  weekend.  So I am leaving today to go live w/ Bry's grandparents for a month until we move into the new house on May 10th.  Bry is looking for a job still, I hope you can help him out and open some doors for him.  We've been praying a lot that things will work out and he will find a job, but the economy isn't great right now, so it might not happen right away. He has a job interview on Monday with a great company.  We just hope it's going to offer enough compensation.  Watch over Bryan and give him the words to say on Monday that will help him get the job.  We are so happy to be moving home.  NY was nice and all, but it's just not home.  At least I tried it out.  If you were still alive you would be sooooo happy I was moving home.  It makes me sad to think that you are not here to experience life with me anymore.  You would be so excited about the house and you would help me plan our first homewarming party. You'd take a million pictures and share them with everyone.  You are so missed and I really wish I had you here for these happy times.  I miss shopping with you and watching TV and sitting outside on the white chairs talking about men.  ha ha.  If you were here you would help me shop for the house and decorate... ahhhh Mom.... I miss you.  The John Edwards thing really helped me heal from your loss.  It made me feel like you are here with me and it took away some of my sadness.  I still get sad,and there is this underlying unhappiness I feel inside of me but it did help.  I just wish I knew how to get rid of the underlying sadness and anger I feel over losing you.  It was so awful.  So unexpected, such a tradgedy and shock to everyone.  I really hate that you are not here and that you left so quickly.  There is so much I never got to share with you.  It sucks.  It really sucks.  I miss having you to talk to about my feelings and thoughts about life.  It has been a tough couple of years.  I'd have to say hands down the darkest years of my life.  But even so, I've managed to have positive things happen.  It's not that everything is horrible, it's just that I have this anger and sadness that I don't know what to do with.  I need to pray for healing more and get involved with a church once we get settled in PA.  Brandon is doing good I think.  He hasn't been here to visit in a while, but we talk on the phone every now and then.  He is working hard and traveling a lot still.  I miss him so much.  Losing you and him being so far away has made me feel very abandoned.  My whole life I've had this "fear of abandonment" thing going on, and it feels like my fears finally came true.  I lost the two closest people to me.  Brandon is still alive obviously so it's a little different, but I feel like I have lost the relationship that him and I used to have.  It has been hard creating a new life on my own.  I've withdrawn from friends and family and although I am dying to feel close to people, I just keep pushing them away.  I have my Dad and Maritz, and they are great to me and love me, but they weren't with me day in and day out as I grew up. So it's different.  The two people I had my life entwined with are gone and has left me feeling very very angry.  I know that I need to let it go so that I can heal, but it's so much easier said than done.  Of course I want to let go and not be sad/angry, but something in my mind just won't let me.  I'm aware of what needs to happen, but I can't seem to make it happen.  This has always been my biggest struggle.  My own struggle with my own mind! It makes no sense.  What I want, and what I do don't seem to be in line with each other.  The battle of the Ego VS. God within me.  When will it end?  I just want to love and share happiness and joy with others.  That's all I want for my life.  But I can't seem to get there.  Your message to me from JE was to not let my anger get the best of me, to not snap at others and to let go of my agression.  I hope you can help me to do that.  I love you so much, I miss you from the depth of my soul.  I know things weren't always perfect between us and we had our own issues, but we were closer than I ever realized.  We both made mistakes, we weren't perfect, but we loved each other and you were there for me even if sometimes I didn't think you were.  Be close to me, stay by my side.  Help me to heal. 

 

Love Beth   

Dear Mom,

 

I am still in shock from last night.  I knew you would bring me a message and let me know you were ther and you did.  Truly amazing.  So I know you know what happened but I want to write it all down so I don't forget anything.  So for Christmas this year instead of doing traditional gifts to each other Bry and I bought tickets to go and see the medium John Edward.  He is famous and has a tv show about communicating with dead people.  So I looked him up online and picked a date to go see him hoping that he would give us a reading from you.  I picked Dec. 14th because 14 is a significant number and date to me. So for the past few weeks I was asking for you to come through and for you to be there, ok so I wasn't just asking I was begging.  :)  But either way, it worked!  Yesterday I played some of your favorite songs over and over again hoping to get your attention if you were busy somewhere helping others.  Bryan said you were probably in Hawaii having a margarita so I had to tell you where we were going to be last night.  We get to the show last night at 7:30 at the North Fork Theater in Westbury NY and the place was absolutely mobbed.  I had NO idea how many people were going to be there, and there must have been at least 6,000 people there I would say.  I felt my heart sink a little bit b/c I figured there might be too much competition but as we made our way to our seats and I sat down my heart started pounding louder than it ever has before and I knew that you were there.  The show starts and John explains that if he's feeling pulled toward a section of the stadium that the message is meant for that exact section.  His readings were so detailed it was unbelievable.  In the first half of the show he had given out several readings that were so dead on I couldn't believe it.  He wasn't vague at all and he was very specific and if he someone waved there hand and thought they were the one and they had a loved one with a few similarities but not enough he would tell them I'm sorry it's not you, please sit down.  He was very abrupt about it and definitely had a sense of EXACTLY who was the right person.  A number of times he turned people down and kept pressing the section until he found someone he felt more connected with.  In the middle of the show he comes over to our section and this place was huge, he didn't even get to all the sections in the stadium.  So He comes to our section and says he feels like there are a lot of teachers here, like a school that came together or a number of teachers. Then there were three teachers assistants who had came together and he started giving them a reading.  So I was like, ok, well, that's it probably. I didn't think he would come back to our section.  Then while he was giving the reading sometimes the spirit he was talking to would bring in another spirit of someone nearby.  He started saying there was a breast cancer connection and the name Steven, and a suicide in the family and I raised my hand but he ignored me (there were so many people he probably didn't see me.  So I thought I was done. 

 

Then, at the end of the show he came back to our section and said this is a really random thought and I'm going to throw it out there but I'm looking for someone in this section (and he pointed right in our area) and he said it's someone that met a celebrity unexpectedly or went back stage and met a celebrity when they weren't supposed to and he just kept saying it. So I raised my hand be/c this was actually something that had happened to me twice.  So he doesn't pick me he picks a family down in front of me and they stand up and say well we were at the Today show one time and we were sitting in the front row and we met Al Roker.  and he was like no, that's not it. It's someone that either met a celebrity unexpectedly and talked to them or someone who went back stage unexepectedly. So I kept raising my hand and now he's looking at me!  and he is thinking and he said who has the breast cancer connection?  And I start waving my hand frantically because I know Great Grandma had breast cancer and that you were very close with her. so they bring me a microphone and he starts giving me a reading from you!  I stand up in front of all these people and he asks me to tell my story so I tell him how when I was in highschool you took me to a night club in NYC and I was underage and I wasn't supposed to be there and at one point in the night I left your side and I went in the back of the club to use the bathrooms and I met Christian Slater.  I also had another celebrity story when I was in college. I was unexepectedly picked out of the crowd at a Third Eye Blind concert and was brought back stage for a surprise appearance ON STAGE with the band.  So I thought it would be either of those stories.  The next thing he says to me is I think you are going back and forth about whether or not to have children but I see the number two, you are going to have 2 kids, or twins but you're definitely going to have 2 kids.  Then he started to talk about my personality and how I act and he was dead on.  He knew that DAd was remarried and that the number or date "10" was important - your funeral was Sept 10th.  Then he was going on about how you support my relationship with Bryan and that you like Bryan and that you need to be Mom and tell me to calm down and stop being so snappy at him. Totally something you would say b/c you know I was snappy with you a lot too.  Then he started in on Bryan and said that Bryan had a scar on his left side and bryan does have a scar on his left side from his accident and he told bryan that he had someone in his family with a T name who died of lung cancer and it was a name like Tommy.  We didn't know at the time but when we got home Bry called his mom and he does have an uncle tommy who died of lung cancer.  Then he said my relationship with my Dad can be strained and that he was far away from me (he was until recently) and that I need to communicate my feelings with him more and not let him get away with stuff.  He kept going back to the number 2 and assuring us that we were going to have two children.  and then you were done. Out of the 5 to 6 thousand people that were there he only did about 10 readings I would say. Truly amazing that you got to me! Thank you MOm for proving to me that you are here with me. That you see us and that you love Bryan and approve of him and think that he was a good decision for me.  Thank you for reassuring me that I can have children, you know how much I needed to hear that.  I can't wait to tell the family what happened!  I love you!  Keep visiting me and sending messages to me anyway you can.